edited January 19, 2009

First working day of the year! I turned on my office computer at 7:17 AM, a "to-do" list forming in my head. I wanted to tie up a few loose-ends from last year so when the official business hours start at 8:30, I could work on my "first day targets" properly. There's just one teeny-weeny problem: I could not remember my password!

There's hardly anyone around, not at this hour. I sat there, staring at the screen. I've never seen the necessity of jotting down my office passwords before; I committed all of them to memory. I tried every imaginable combination of my old passwords (the system requires that we change them monthly) and still the system won't let me in. I racked my brains for possible answers. No success.

Our systems pointperson arrived at exactly 8:30AM - just on time but it felt like forever to me. She emailed the right people so my password can be reset. By the time a reply was received, morning was almost over and I have a splitting headache that lasted the entire day. I hardly finished any work.

Luckily my password tries for other needed applications were all successful. My boss would kill me if I had to reset everything.

I enjoyed the 11-day vacation, oh yes I did. It gave me amnesia

An email blast from a fellow Unibanker. I'm reflecting on this, especially since the past week had me drowning in leftovers from last year and targets this year. Most of my resolutions for 2009 actually points to my work: no lates, stop procrastinating, stop extending office hours to 9PM I already broke this, spend less/save more - you get the picture.

(I'm the boring type. I have no life. So there.)

The Lord is my real boss, and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
He gently reminds me to pray and do all things without
murmuring and complaining.

He reminds me that He is my source and not my job.
He restores my sanity everyday and guides my decisions
that I might honor Him in all that I do
For Him, there is no such thing as "whichever is higher"when it comes to benefits, medical allowances,
Christmas gifts and other bonuses.

Even though I face absurd amount of e-mails, system crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping
co-workers, discriminating supervisors and managers, incompetent VPs and an aging body that doesn't
cooperate every morning,
I still will not stop --- for He is with me!
His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.

He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.
He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go.
His Faithfulness and love is better than any bonus cheque.
His retirement plan beats any 401k there is!
When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him a whole lot longer and for that I BLESS HIS NAME!!!!!!

(Wow. I didn't know our retirement plan amounts to 401K. HA! )

October 2008, family reunion (mom's side)

tita: Ilang taon ka na?

me: 24 po.

tita: May asawa ka na?

me:

December 2008, family reunion (dad's side)

tita: Dun ka pa rin ba nagwo-work?

me: Opo.

tita: Kelan ka mag-aasawa?

me:

December 2008, a few days later (after mom attended a wedding)

mom: Doon sila nag-reception sa Intramuros.

me: Oo nga, may park doon.

mom: Sa Department of Tourism ka pala magpapa-reserve nun.

me: Ah, OK.

mom: Sa kasal mo doon ka na lang mag-reception!

me:

January 2009, lunch on a Saturday

dad: Get married. You have my blessing. (now that's what you call "direct")

me: Uh... OK. (para matapos na)

dad: Get married. You have my blessing.

me:

January 2009, the next day

mom: Nagsimba ako sa San Sebastian. Ang galing nung choir nila! Akala ko kung sinong malalaki ang boses, mga bata pa pala!

me: Ah talaga...?

mom: Sa kasal mo invite natin sila, sila ang pakantahin mo sa simbahan!

me:

Nah, I know I don't have to take them seriously. It's just... how could they think that??

Reminds me of a tomato sauce advertisement when I was young: "Pwede na... pwede ka nang mag-asawa."

Musta kayo?
OK lang.
Anong OK lang?
Wala.
Kwento ka naman...!
Anong ikukuwento ko?
Dati ang dami mong kwento.
Dati yun.
Ano bang nangyari?
Sikret.


That's when I realized how wounded I was. I can't talk. Well, I could say I miss you. I could say, I still love you. So much. But I can't go back to the nitty-gritty details of everything falling apart. I don't want to relive it: the beginning of the end.

I used to talk about my pain to anyone who'd listen. I mope, yes, but somehow I can still control it. I mock it, I make fun of it. Now, just laying out what I have to say hurts so much. Pag pala masyado ka nang nasasaktan, gusto mo na lang manahimik.

My mom said, "You're strong." I don't know what to say to that. I feel broken and unmendable. But maybe I'll try to live up to it. She believed it. I don't want to disappoint her.