*This is a self-help manual I came across with while browsing one night at Book Sale. It is intended to comfort parents who lost a child through miscarriage, abortion, etc.


"Angels na kaya sila ngayon?" he asked me one day, years ago. He was referring to two brothers born before him - one passed in infancy; the other, in his early years. His tone was light, but the pain his mom endured touched me as if I'd been there. All his siblings were girls, then he came, the last one, a boy. "Kaya nga ang saya-saya nila nung pinanganak ako eh," he boasted. "Pero minsan, naiisip ko, kung nabuhay sila, nandito pa rin kaya ako?"

I gritted my teeth and pretended to be busy sorting the files in front of me. I don't really need to give a comment, do I?

"Masyado na kasi kaming marami kung ganon," he went on. "Di ba, Chat?"

I won't cry, I told myself. I won't.

"Di ba, Chat?"

"Tama na!!!" I yelled, slapping my hand on the table. I walked out, supposedly to deliver the files someplace else. The truth was, I just didn't want him to see the tears welling up in my eyes.

If he weren't here...

I never stopped thanking God for bringing him into my life. For making him a part of me.

---

On my way to and from the office I am blessed with a glimpse of the places where he spent time growing up. It's all there: his home, his school, the park where he used to play as a child. They remind me of those years lost to me, before I met him.

They also remind me of upcoming years, times I'll probably never have the chance to share with him.

---

I always felt that we were meant to be together.

What if, after all, we are not?

"I didn't know the difference when I first decided I was going to marry you, when I was about ten. It's only these past few years, since I've grown up - and then I realized it wasn't mine to say. If you didn't want me, then I should have to be an old maid, because I couldn't marry anyone else, not after all these years of imagining how I'd get your breakfast in the morning and put your slippers on the fender every night."
... And Ladies of the Club, Helen Hoover Santmyer


"... [he] was struck by the realization that though [she] might never love [him] again [he] would continue to love [her], for [he] had pledged [himself] to [her], for as much as they shared of eternity. [Her] detesting [him] did not free [him] from [his] pledge."
Bellefleur, Joyce Carol Oates


*I wonder if it's selfishness, wanting his memories to be with me always. Holding onto them as if by doing so, I could keep the moments alive.*


"Do you honestly think that I love you?"
"Yes. Not that it means anything."
Magic Hour, Susan Isaacs

Pana-panahon ang pagkakataon
Maibabalik ba ang kahapon

Natatandaan mo pa ba
Nang tayong dal'wa ay unang nagkita
Panahon ng kamusmusan
Sa piling ng mga bulaklak at halaman
Doon tayo nagsimulang
Mangarap at tumula

Natatandaan mo pa ba
Inukit kong puso sa punong mangga
At ang inalay kong gumamela
Magkahawak-kamay sa dalampasigan
Malayang tulad ng mga ibon
Ang gunita ng ating kahapon

Ang mga puno't halaman
Ay kabiyak ng ating gunita
Sa paglipas ng panahon
Bakit kailangan ding lumisan

Pana-panahon ang pagkakataon
Maibabalik ba ang kahapon

Ngayong ikaw ay nagbalik
Katulad ko rin ang 'yong pananabik
Makita ang dating kanlungan
Tahanan ng ating tula at pangarap
Ngayon ay naglaho na
Saan hahanapin pa

Lumilipas ang panahon
Kabiyak ng ating gunita
Ang mga puno't halaman
Bakit kailangang lumisan

Pana-panahon ang pagkakataon
Maibabalik ba ang kahapon

Lumilipas ang panahon
Kabiyak ng ating gunita
Ang mga puno't halaman
Bakit kailangang lumisan

Pana-panahon ang pagkakataon
Maibabalik ba ang kahapon?


Kanlungan, Noel Cabangon
McDonald's theme, 2003

6:30pm sa opisina. Aktibo pa rin ang pagtipa ko sa keyboard na parang hindi namamalayan ang oras.

officemate: Chat.
ako: (tumingin) Po?
officemate: Umuwi ka na.
ako: (tawa, tuloy pa rin sa pagkalikot ng PC)
officemate: Masama yang ginagawa mo. Umuwi ka na. Mag-lovelife ka.
ako: (umaktong parang walang alam) Lovelife? Ano yun? (tawa)

Nung araw na yun, 8:30pm na ako umuwi. Umaambon pa nga. Medyo lumalaki na ang mga patak kaya nagpayong ako.

Natatandaan mo pa ba, umaambon rin nang marinig ko mula sa 'yo sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ang mga salitang yon? Sa lilim ng iisang payong, parang atin ang mundo.

Natatandaan mo pa ba?

Parang kaybilis ng oras.

Bawat tingin, bawat ngiti, tumatatak sa puso't kaluluwa.

Gustong-gusto kitang yakapin. Para bang ang pagniniig nating iyon ay tama na upang punan ang mga taong nawalay ako sa iyo.



Mahal na mahal kita.

Sleeping Child
Michael Learns To Rock

The milky way upon the heavens
Is twinkling just for you
And Mr. Moon, he came by
To say goodnight to you

I sing for you
I sing for mother
We're praying for the world
And for the people everywhere
Gonna show them all we care

Oh my sleeping child
The world's so wild
But you built your own paradise
That's one reason why I cover you sleeping child

If all the people around the world
They had a mind like yours
We'd have no fighting and no wars
There would be lasting peace on earth

If all the kings and all the leaders
Could see you here this way
They would hold the earth in there arms
They would learn to watch you play

Oh my sleeping child
The world's so wild
But you built your own paradise
That's one reason why I cover you sleeping child

Cover my child
I'm gonna cover my sleeping child
Keep you away
Keep you away from the world so wild
Keep you away from the world
Away from the world so wild

Oh my sleeping child
The world's so wild
But you built your own paradise
That's one reason why I cover you sleeping child.

One message received: 09108339954

Sometime ago, I received a text message from the person owning this number, something like: CONGRATULATIONS! You're one of the winner of 500 SmartLoad.. to claim your free load.. type 09108339954 and send three times to 808. And there's a supposed DTI Permit number, too!

Convincing? Uh... not quite.

I had the same message from (I believe) the same person maybe a month before this; only then I did not do anything about it. Why bother? I know for a fact what the access number 808 does - whatever Smart-registered number you key in and send to this number deducts PhP10 worth of credits from your account. Obviously this person is cooking up some mischief for a number of people; I hoped no one would fall for this tasteless way to get his own account loaded.

But sending it to me twice? It's bad enough that someone out there is supposing I am so stupidly gullible as to fall for his little prank, but to do it with poor grammar is totally infuriating! (Note phrase in red font). It's simply unforgivable! Manloloko ka na nga lang, sablay pa ang props mo. Labo.

It was a bad day; my patience snapped quicker than usual. In my irritation, I sent a reply: "That's pathetic. And I suggest you improve your grammar first."

Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan wag magagalit. To my amusement, the person on the other line said, his ego obviously wounded, "Pasensya na po kayo, made in the Philippines lang kasi ako. Huwag kayong mayabang ha. Hindi nyo ba alam yung kasabihan ni Dr. Jose Rizal, ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay mas mabaho sa malansang isda. Kayo po ba yun?"

NEWS FLASH: *Aba! Biglang nag-Tagalog yung English-speaking na access number kanina!*

Going back: Well, if that was his answer to my suggestion, the person truly needs professional help. What does my advice have to do with loving the Filipino language? Just because I replied in English doesn't mean that I am forsaking my native tongue, does it? And being a Filipino by birth does not necessarily mean that we have to do poorly in English, does it?

(And oh, he didn't get the quote right. It's "Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay higit pa sa hayop at malansang isda." Any Filipino kid who finished primary school knows that - we're reminded of this practically every year, whenever Linggo ng Wika is celebrated.)

I am sure the other person does not see it that way, and I have no intention of tiring myself to make him understand. So I ignored his message.

A few minutes later, it's him again! The person surely was up for a fight! A bull breathing heavily, preparing to attack at the sight of a waving red cloth, suddenly came to mind. "Bakit hindi ka sumagot Joe? Siguro nga mas mabaho ka pa sa malansang isda... hahaha kawawa ka naman."

Ah - so now it's me who's kawawa? HA! But look who is (indirectly) begging a stranger to waste precious time talking to him, even picking a fight so that someone may acknowledge his sorry existence.

Still another message: "Ano ka ba Joe, Amerikanong luto o Amerikanong hilaw?"

And yet another one: "Bakit ang tagal mong sumagot... siguro iniisip mo pa sa English kung ano ang sasabihin mo... hahaha..."

Oh well... he could waste all his ill-gotten load on me but if he expects a reply, he'll be waiting in vain.

I don't mean to seem so arrogant but I think he's one of those who think they own the world just because they were able to lay their hands on a cell phone unit. Makes one realize that cell phones can be a necessity, but for the right reasons.

Well, the sender must have loved me too much - or must have been leading a bo-o-o-o-ring life; I received another message from him a few weeks ago, asking how I was. "How are you Joe?," he said. Uuy, na-miss..?

I never replied. The game's kinda old.

Nakalimutan kong walang pasok sa eskwela ngayon; natauhan lang ako nang makita ng dalawang mata kong parehong sarado ang gates ng USTe sa Dapitan. Napilitan tuloy akong baybayin ang kahabaan ng Dapitan sabay liko sa Noval - buti na lang hindi ako napalangoy nang di-oras sa tubig-baha.

Bukas ang pinto sa Noval - habang naglalakad papalapit sa simbahan, may napansin akong "sudden movement" sa lapag. Natakot tuloy ako - baka ahas! Pero nung tinitigan ko - aba, isang hito!

Huh? Pano nagkaron ng hito rito?, tanong ko sa aking sarili habang pinagmamasdan ang hitong nagpupumiglas. Maliit lang, anim na pulgada siguro. Pilit nyang iginagalaw ang katawan upang mapalapit sa tubig na naipon sa gilid ng bangketa. Napansin ko ang isang butas sa di-kalayuan. Umaapaw ang tubig mula rito. Ah, siguro dun din galing yung hito, naligaw lang ng landas.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng simbahan at nagmuni-muni. Sa aking paglabas, wala na ang hito. Marahil ay natikman na nya ang masaganang tubig sa wakas. Siguro sa mga sandaling ito ay pabalik na sya sa mga mahal nya sa buhay.

Ang hito, bow.


*Title inspired by kagebunshin. Original title, "hito"

Sabi ng tatay ko, "Sinuspend ang klase, para daw di mabasa sa ulan yung mga bata. Pagdating ng bahay, aba nagpalit lang ng damit TAPOS NALIGO SA BAHA!!!"


Image from Yahoo! Search

... Mas masarap yata maligo sa baha eh