Kanina nag-eksperimento ako at sumakay ng GLiner. Merong mga batang sumakay (college studes na yun, ewan ko lang kung anong year). Friendly-friends. Ang ingay. OK lang. Pero syempre I cannot help but hear what they're saying. Ang lakas ng boses eh. As in *B O S E S ! ! !* Pagdaan ng bus sa Ayala Blvd., doon sa may PNU, parang gusto kong matawa. Panay pintas nila. Kesyo mukha daw haunted house ang structure ng school na yun, "di katulad ng school natin" at kung anu-ano pa. Isn't that a nice word - "structure"??? Marami pa silang sinabi na hindi na appropriate i-post. Pero nung nabanggit naman kung ano yung school nila...

Well. Gets nyo na ako, di ba?

Wala lang. Kakatawa. Kung papakinggan mo kasi sila aakalain mong tig-iisang daang libo ang tuition nila.

Which reminds me. I'd like to post this article that someone sent me through email. Hindi ko rin po alam kung sino ang pinagmulan nito. Basta kayo na lang ang mag-react. Enjoy!

* * * * *

School Pride. You loved your campus and hated the others.

We all outgrow it eventually. Or do we? Let's test it shall we? Listed below are several schools and what I think of them. Try to see what you feel after reading what this jack-off had to say about your university.

Enjoy.

ATENEO. This school's trademark is arrogance. Nothing more, nothing less. I have, to this day, not met an Atenean who does not think that their school is THE best there is. Even La Sallites and um, uh, UP people (what do you call yourselves anyway?) are not this shamelessly boastful. This does not mean to say however, that they are all pricks and witches. Some of the best buds I have are Ateneans. All two of them.

But come on! Seriously, the only thing Ateneo can claim to be the best in is creating a 2-hour gridlock over a road stretching 3 damned kilometers!!! Oh, and Interdisciplinary Studies is NOT a course. It's Jesuit charity for the incurably dumb and lazy.

ADAMSON. Hmmm, let's see what I can say about Adamson. Well, there's the fact their school color is blue like Ateneo. Their team mascot is a bird like Ateneo. Aside from that, there's not a shred else. Damn this school is boring.

FEU and UE. Do any of you know what FEU stands for? ForEver Useless! (Yes, I'm an ass.) But joking aside, the Far Eastern University and the University of the East are two schools whose names imply that at least one of them was founded by a group of people who had the creative, artistic, and imaginative prowess of a pile of rocks.

Seriously though, these are feel good schools. If you don't believe me try visiting either campus. The moment you see them, you start feeling good that you don't go there.

UP. Here's a school that, for better or worse, is totally bereft of any identity. Some people regard it as THE premier educational institution in the country. There are those who, for good reason, look at it simply as one big vicious playground. And others see it as a breeding ground for militant wannabe rebels who try to lobby for whatever cause they deem to be in the country's best interest. For those of you who can truly relate with the latter you have to be in your late 40's or 50's. Shit you're OLD!!! La lang.

I favor the first two views. It really IS the best educational institution there is. And I'm not just saying that because I'm surrounded all day by UP graduates who'd just as soon throw me off the 11th floor balcony, given the slightest provocation as look at me. I really, really do believe...that they will kill me if I say anything bad against UP. Can you blame me? The only thing longer than the list of UP's distinguished alumni (Miriam Defensor included) is the list of all the in-campus violence. There's a psycho lurking deep inside each UP-educated man/woman/child. This will be confirmed by the amount of hate mail I'll be receiving from them.

UST. Here's a school that will totally drag down one's social status just by being enrolled in it. I don't care how rich you are or how cultured you may be, if you're from UST it don't mean shit. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I know of several obnoxious AB kids who were brought down several pegs while studying there and are now some of the nicest, most unassuming people to walk this planet.

It's funny to note how much this place of learning mirrors the current social state of the country every time the UAAP season kicks in. Come the basketball tournament, they're all friends. You see them chanting, clapping, and giving each other high-fives. United by a common goal, the rich and the poor are united as one. After the event is passed, they all go back to hating each other.

DLSU. Di Lumusot Sa UPCAT. That's a classic ain't it? It's as hilarious now as it was when I first heard it in 1994, which is to say, it's about as funny as getting kicked in the crotch. It's sad to note for a proud alumnus such as myself that a school with as impressive an academic pedigree as La Salle has become nothing more than a money-hungry institution whose only requirements for acceptance nowadays seem to be a pulse, an IQ over 80, and the financial capacity/ability to pay.

Nowadays, whenever I incounter a person clayming to be from La Sall and they speech bad, have poor grammage, and cannot spill correctness, I am not surprice.

NU. I'm not even sure if this place is a real school. And I don't mean that in a snooty-you're-nothing-compared-to-my-school way. I mean, I'm not even sure this place actually exists! I actually started believing that its initials really stood for Negative sa UPCAT.

Think about it. Do any of you really know anyone from NU? Do any of you even know of anyone who knows anybody from NU?

And if any of you even point to their basketball team and the audience that watches its games as proof of its existence, I beg you to think of this point. They act like absolute maniacs and they even look the part. If we go by that, then the National University is not a school. It's a correctional facility.

CSB. This school has had a bad rep since the day of its inception. Admittedly, it started out as a place where DLSU can deposit its non-performing students so as not to give up the sizeable revenues from those hopeless bastards who have the money to shell out but not the ability to count it. (Everybody knows this already.)

What people don't know is that CSB now boasts of fine world class courses designed to equip the Benildean with the tools necessary to succeed in the real world. These courses include Basic Arithmetic majoring in the Multiplication Table, Whining with a specialization on Tantrums, and the ever popular Strategic Investments: What to do with your Parents' Money.

CRC/UAP. Them Opus Dei folks can slap it with whatever initials they deem fit, it would still not change the fact that this school will forever be known not by its academic achievements but more by the fact that it is the only school with a car to student ratio nearing 1:1. (No my dear CSB students and alums, that is not read as one colon one.)

The meanest thing one can say about CRC is that it's a school filled with students rich enough to be Ateneans, but will never be smart enough to be such. The nicest thing one can say about CRC is that it's near a Starbucks open until 2 am.

Now I realize I might have offended some people out there. Let me tell you right now that I am whole-heartedly and humbly sorry. I am sorry that you have no sense of humor and nobody had the heart to whack your uptight head when you were growing up.

Peace and chill folks.

Hindi ko pa pala nasabing lumipat na kami ng office. So it's not Makati anymore, Ortigas na. OK rin kasi at least bagong lugar, medyo nasanay na kasi ako sa Makati nung jobhunting days kaya Ortigas is really brand new. Yung mga lugar na nasa hinagap ko lang noon eh napapagtanto kong tunay pala... hahahaha!!

Although Makati has its comforts. Mas madaling puntahan on my part. Sakay lang ako ng bus eh - UST talaga ang point of departure and arrival ko (tama ba yung words na ginamit ko? Para akong airport ah... hahahaha ). Sa Ortigas naman mas marami akong nilalakad - punta pa ako ng Recto para makasakay tapos pagbaba ko sa may Megamall tatlo o apat na streets pa bago ko marating ang Emerald Avenue. At syempre talagang kalagitnaan pa yung building ko kaya sangkatutak na legwork ito, ineng. Pag-uwi naman, lakad na naman! At dalawang sakay na - isa papuntang Quiapo, isang pa-España. Ohdiba.

Pero nakaka-excite din ang Ortigas.

Saka meron akong na-discover eh. Lalo na tungkol sa building ko. Nakakatawa talaga. Akalain mo yun. Pero hindi pa ako sure kung ikakatuwa ko ba ito o isusumpa... wala lang. Pero napakalaking coincidence talaga.

Anong floor ka ba?

Nakausap ko sya kanina, hindi ko inaasahan. Iba naman kasi yung pakay ko talagang kausapin eh. Pucha, gumuho ang mundo ko. Ang tagal bago uli ako nakapag-dial ng phone at nangausap ng kliyente.

Hindi ko ma-define kung ano yung expression sa boses nya. Civil lang ba talaga ito?

Wala lang, nakakapanibago.

I lost you na.

Well. I didn't even have you in the first place.

Sana naghihinarte lang ako. Sana hindi talagang ganun.

Yan daw ako sabe ng TL - team leader, tulo laway, "tancho" look, true love??!! - kong si Froi. Pano kasi one lang ang turn-in ko each day. Hahaha... gagu talaga yun...

Pero nahihiya ako, grabe. At sobrang nafu-frustrate. Puchang figures yan oh... ampanget...

Pero in fairness medyo supportive naman sya. Medyo lang. Hekhek. (Gusto mo ng mukhang lumilipad? Bwahaha )

I love my job but I hate it. Nacha-challenge ako pero nadidismaya ako. Pero ayokong mag-quit. Ayokong magpatalo. Walang Thomasian na quitter. Kung meron man, hindi magiging ako yun.

Pero naiinis talaga ako!

Goodluck sa akin...

Wala akong masabi kundi... ang saya ko.

Hindi yung saya na hilarious eh, kahit pa tawa ako ng tawa kanina. Yung saya na... masaya. Nanunuot talaga. Galing sa kaibuturan ng aking puso.

Mahal kita. Talaga.

I'll keep your soft smiling eyes in my heart... forever.

Kararating ko lang ng bahay at natagpuan ko sa ibabaw ng CPU ang isang liham galing sa Accenture. Invitation for an exam. OK. Naka-staple lang yung envelope. Aba, courier ba ito? Sosyal! Pero nung tiningnan ko uli, sealed pala talaga yung envelope: BINUKSAN LANG YUNG LETTER.

Dear reader, alam kong sasabihin mong napaka-OA ko pero naiirita lang ako. Sa sobrang inis ko nga eh naitanong ko pa sa kanila na bakit bukas na yung sulat. Tiningnan lang daw nila.

OK, fine. Pero pwede bang makita KO muna yung sulat bago kayo??

*Tangina talaga!*

Nakakainis lang. Hindi lang kasi ngayon ito nangyari. I mean, o sige, granted, excited kayo, blah-blah-blah... pero ayun nga... pwede bang makita muna yung letter? Kasi *medyo* sa akin naka-address eh. Kung gusto nyong maki-uzi, save it for later. Ako muna.

Kagabi, around 11:30pm, merong nag-miscol sa akin. Twice pa. Nasagot ko nga eh. Kala ko naman kung sino, meron kasi akong isa pang friend na ka-text before that. So sabi ko, "Hi, hus ds?"

Hindi nag-reply. Sige. Pero nagising ako mga ala-una. Nabura at nakalimutan ko na yung exact message pero ang gist ay pwede raw bang makipag-textmate.

DUH.

Parang bigla akong nagsisi na tinext ko pa sya.

Eh di hindi ko na sinagot. Pero kanina, after work, ayan na naman. Nangungumusta. At yun nga, pwede nga raw bang makipag-textmate. May "please" pa. Magalang na bata.

Ako naman weirdo talaga, ni-replyan. Syempre, I'm nice eh (tee-hee! ). Sabi ko pasensya na pero nagtitipid ako. I even asked kung saan nya nakuha ang number ko at ano nga ulit ang name nya?

Ayun, nag-reply na naman ang bruho/a. Ako raw muna. Girl daw ba ako o boy, at taga-saan daw ako? Nanghula lang raw sya ng number.

Ang galing naman nyang manghula. At ang sosyal naman nyang maghanap ng ka-text. Globe sya at Smart naman ako. Tsk-tsk. Sosyal talaga.

Hindi ko na sya ni-replyan.

Mabasa mo kaya ito? Malabo. Pero kung sakaling pag-aksayahan mo ng panahon ang blog ko, wag mo akong sasapakin pagkatapos

* * * * *

"Pero kahit magulo, thankful ka pa rin ba na merong *toot* sa buhay mo?"
"OK lang na mawala sya, kesa ano..."
"Kesa ano?"
"Kesa iba."
"Wag mong sabihing ako yun?"

I laughed and shoved you playfully. Pero kung alam mo lang... IKAW YUN!

Ang tanga ko talaga. Perpekto na nga, ayan na, ako pa mismo yung sumira ng moment.

Marami pang instances na parang ganito di ba? Gustong-gusto ko nang sabihin at kailangan mo nang malaman, pero nauunahan ako ng kaba. Hindi ako makapagsalita at nanginginig pa ako. I end up making damn jokes! Pero kahit naiirita ako sa sarili kong karuwagan, somehow I still believe na meron pang next time.

I was wrong. Wala nang chance. So paano ko na sasabihin?

Hindi na pala kailangan, kasi alam mo na. OK lang sana kahit hindi na galing sa akin eh, kaya lang ang pangit kasi ng pagkaka-present.

Syempre ayaw mo nang pag-usapan. Hindi ako makapagpaliwanag at hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang nasa isip mo. Paano ko malalaman, eh hindi na kita malapitan? Hindi ko alam kung paano, hindi ko alam kung dapat pa.

* * * * *

"Uy, pansinin mo naman ako..."

Mahina lang yung pagkakasabi ko, pero sana narinig mo.

Sana mag-usap tayo. But you won't do that with all of them around, will you?

I wonder, kung magkita tayong muli sa isang lugar at isang panahong walang ibang nakakakilala sa atin, walang nakakaalam ng mga nangyari, kausapin mo kaya ako?

* * * * *

Minsan naiisip ko, there's no way for us to be fixed, to be whole again. Parang we're too damaged for that. Ni hindi nga tayo magkaintindihan.

But everytime I see you, or think of you, or just be reminded of you (by the smallest of things!), nabubuhayan na naman ako ng loob. Ipaglalaban kita hanggang sa huli. But is that what you want?

Ewan ko. Nung nalaman kong sinabi mong "kahit kailan hindi yun naging mutual", natawa talaga ako. Parang gusto kitang tanungin, "Sigurado ka?"

Kasi alam mo, naramdaman ko talaga eh. Mahal mo ako. MAHAL MO RIN AKO.

"You'll know truth when you hear it," ika nga sa The Passion of the Christ. So there. That's my truth. Is it yours, too?

If not, what's the truth, then?

Sana nagmatapang na lang ako noon, and asked you outright what you meant everytime na may sasabihin o gagawin kang parang hindi normal.

* * * * *

Masaya naman tayo noon ah. Nung "tayo" pa. Kuno.

Aminin... hehe.

Mag-iisang taon na.

Naaalala mo pa ba?

Kunwari ka pa eh... hehe.

Joke lang.

* * * * *

Lagi ka raw malungkot ngayon.

Sana nandyan ako sa tabi mo.

Hindi ko lang sigurado kung kailangan mo pa ako, pero kahit na. I want to see for myself how you are.

Sana pwede kitang yakapin.

I MISS YOU.

You're always in my prayers...

Meron na naman akong misteryong nais tuklasin pero goodluck na lang kung madidiskubre ko nga.

Nung isang gabi raw eh merong tumawag sa *landline*... around 2:30am! Malamang si Mama ang nakasagot! Syempre tinanong yung caller kung sino sya at bakit tumawag pa sya nang ganoong oras. Sabi, sya raw si Carlo at meron lang daw syang *importanteng sasabihin*.

Duh... wala kaya akong kilalang Carlo??! Kung meron man... hello noh... di kami close saka walang way para malaman nya ang landline ko.

Saka... importanteng sasabihin...??

Sabe ko nga kay Mama, sigurado ka bang Carlo yun? Oo raw, kasi pinaulit-ulit pa nya yung name para sigurado.

Kung sinuman sya, mukhang alam nya yung dalawang number sa bahay, kasi tinanong nya kung sa bahay pa rin ba ni Chat yung number na yun? Mukhang sinubukan muna yung 735 bago sya naka-connect sa 736.

Eh kasi naman hindi ako ginising eh... at least maa-identify ko kung sino nga yun. Carlo nga ba, o someone else?

Hoy *Carlo*, sino ka ba??

I'm thinking if I am gonna quit my job na.

Oo na, alam ko matagal ko nang sinasabi yan. First day pa lang di ba (haha). Pero tamo, hanggang ngayon nandito pa rin ako. In fairness nakatagal ako. Three weeks and counting...

But sa three weeks na yun walang araw na hindi ako nagbantang magre-resign.

Let's hear what other people have to say:

Family and friends - Lahat sila eh nagsasabing maghanap na ako ng ibang work. Yung iba naman na nagsasabing ako ang bahalang mag-decide kasi career ko ito, ramdam ko pa rin ang pagtutol. Kunwari pa kasi eh... ayaw pang sabihin... plastik! Hehe.

Asar pa nga ako nung una eh, kasi... ano ba, suporta naman dyan! Duh!

Pero deep inside... punyemas! Alam kong mukha akong tanga dito kaya wag nyo nang ipagduldulan!! (hekhek)

OK lang yun, di naman nila nae-experience yung pinagdadaanan ko rito eh, kaya walang basehan ang kanilang opinyon kundi ang itsura ko everytime na magtatanong sila tungkol dun... hahaha...

(Rebuttal: Eh nun ngang di pa nila naranasan tumututol na eh, what more if they're in your shoes?! Lalong aapela yan... hahaha...)

Next, co-workers. So medyo bonded na tayo. But that's more because we're all thinking twice about staying. Kulang na lang magtayo tayo ng unyon eh... hahaha! (Pano ba naman kasing hinde... puro promises... pero intindihin na lang dahil pilot project ito. Fine.)

But I can bear your complaints and whines, cos you're bearing with mine Pano kung ganito:

Exec Asst 1: Ikaw kaya yung highest sa exam?!
Me: (laughs) Talaga lang ha... feeling!
Exec Asst 1: Oo, tinext ko pa nga si *Exec Asst 2*, na meron ditong taga-UST, sya yung highest, tapos tawa ng tawa...
Me: (laughs)
Team Leader: Yung sa 'yo nga ang pagbabasehan namin sa pag-check ng second batch nung hindi namin makita yung answer key eh...
Me: (smile lang)
Exec Asst 2: Pero meron akong na-encounter ganun din ang score, hindi na bumalik. Magaling eh.
Me: (smile lang ulit)

Sensitive na kung sensitive pero... what does that mean? Hindi ako magaling? Kasi I could leave this damn job, but didn't?

Ouchie.

Eto pa.

Co-worker 1: O, anong problema mo?
Co-worker 2: Oo nga, OK ka lang?
Me: Wala lang... napapaisip lang ako...
Co-worker 2: Bakit?
Me: Eh kasi tumawag yung Metrobank, saka Banco de Oro...
Co-worker 1: O, anong sabe?
Me: Ayun, final interview sa Metro. Banco de Oro, exam pa lang eh...
Co-worker 1: Puntahan mo na! Ta's pag OK na, dun ka na!
Me: (no comment)
Co-worker 1: Ano ka ba?! Sabagay, desisyon mo yan...

Kagabi lang. I was getting some flyers for the Gold card.

Co-worker 1: Ano ba yan... overtime??
Me: Hehe... wala lang...
Co-worker 2: Oo tama yun... sa labas din...
Me: Yup, sa dati kong school... UST...
Co-worker 1: Sosyal ka pala eh, UST grad ka! Tapos dito ka lang bumagsak??

Thanks ha. A lot. Sobrang na-boost ang morale ko.

Pero ika nga, wag pakinggan ang sinasabi ng iba. Ang sarili mo ang iyong pakinggan.

Desisyon ko 'to, di ba? Desisyon ko.

Pano kung ayoko na?

Pero pagka-post ko nito, maliligo ako at papasok na. Haha, gaga talaga ako.

Alam mo, ayokong umalis kasi ayokong sumuko. I never backed down from a challenge. Alam mo naman ako, habang nasusugatan, lalong lumalaban.

Saka... ohdiba, kakaiba. Wala akong pasok ng Mon at Fri pero meron akong Sat and Sun, tapos 3-9 lang ang pasok ko... at ang job description ko ay...

Hindi na ako nacha-challenge... nadidismaya na ako.

Ewan, ayoko nang magsalita (kahit ang dami ko nang sinabi... hekhek...)

Abangan ang susunod na kabanata...

Kausap ko si Pao kagabe, nakwento ko yung tungkol kay *Carlo*.

Hahaha... mukhang sya na naman daw ang napagbibintangan... hahaha...

Meron ba akong sinasabi??

Magkatunog nga naman kasi yung name.

Wag kang mag-alala, hindi ka suspect...

Magkatunog lang yung name. Magkatunog lang.

Medyo inaasahan ko nang makikita ko sya kanina sa chapel. Lamo naman yun, banal.

Pero kahit pala ine-expect mo na, pag aktuwal mo nang nasilayan, iba pa rin ang impact.

Napakainit sa chapel pero nanlalamig ako. Hindi ko maintindihan yung nararamdaman ko. My head is swimming; hindi ko na masundan yung mass...

Ayun, eh di umalis na. OK, inhale... exhale... compose yourself... concentrate...

Mga 20 minutes later... ayan na naman!

Napa-"SHIT!" nga ako bigla.

* * * * *

EASY TO IGNORE - Sixpence None the Richer


You and the moon are a beautiful sight to me.
The stars in your eyes make it really hard to see you.
A night in the sun is all I really want.
You and me with the best of both for once.

Night breaks. My heart could not ache anymore.
Am I that easy to ignore?

You let your song blow right through me.
Your mighty intellect makes you mighty hard to see.
Will there come a time for me to be more to you, more to me?

Night breaks. My heart could not ache anymore.
Am I that easy to ignore?

Funny how a person makes you furious yet at the same time you just cannot resist smiling.

Funny how your heart breaks for a person, yet jumps with joy at the memory of another.

Funny how you feel like you're falling, but fear this avalanche of emotions.

Yung tipong... **ano ba... layuan mo nga ako... (but I cannot live without you...)**

Ayokong magseryoso kahit kasama ka na sa sistema ko.

Wala lang, ayoko lang kasing magmukhang tanga.

It's too soon.

A friend said yesterday, "Pag nagiging selfish ka, nalalaman mo ang goals mo. Kasi wala kang pakelam sa ibang tao."

Hmm.

Come to think of it... yeah.

Wag lang sobra...

Just remembered a time when a girl friend and myself were waiting for a ride; it was kinda late, 11pm na ata. She was wearing a halter top... sexy. Then a car passed by, the passengers were all guys; wala akong pakialam sa kanila kaya di ko alam kung ano ang nangyayari. The next thing I knew, my friend was swearing and saying na porke ba ganun ang suot nya, babastusin na sya?

So there. Should a person be judged by her fashion statement?

Violent reactions are welcome. I'm open to ideas here.

Three O'clock in the Morning
by Cirio H. Panganiban


Ito'y salon,
Malaki't maluwang, magara't makintab.
Ang mga bombilyang may ginto, may pilak,
Sa bubungang asul ay nagkikislap-kislap.
Dito'y may orkestra sa ragay ng tambol
at linggal ng jazz
Ang mga talulot sa gitna ng salon nagising na lahat.
Saka, samantalang ang bawat pareha ay
Lilipad-lipad
Sa kintab ng sahig, ang kanilang puso ay
Maaanag-ag.
Mga puso yaong
Kung 'di naglalaro'y nagsisinungaling;
Gaya ng pabangong sumama sa hangin,
Ang pag-ibig nila 'di dapat hintayin!
Sa gitna ng salon, ang boses ng tanso ay
Tumataginting,
Sinusundan-sundan ang apat na pang salit
Kung maglambing.
Saka, samantalang ang mga bombilya'y
Nag-aantok man din
Ay may isang halik na 'di naitago ng kwerdas
ng violin.
Ikatlo noon
Ng madaling araw… Sa salong marikit
Na pinagsayawan ng puso't pag-ibig
Ang dating orkestra'y 'di na naririnig,
Ngunit samantalang ang huling bombilya'y
Kusang pumipikit
Sa huling salon, ang isang dalaga'y luhaang
nagbalik
at saka sa dilim ng gabing mapanglaw,
matapos humikbik,
baliw na nga yatang hinahanap-hanap ang
puring nawaglit!

Josephine Manuel was featured in ABS's morning show (I forgot the title... is it still "Magandang Umaga Bayan"? I rarely watch TV nowadays.). Last night rin.

Naalala ko tuloy bigla si Brandy Ayala. Saka yung iba pang stars noon na na-interview nila ngayon.

I feel the next thing will be "Maalaala Mo Kaya: The Josephine Manuel Story."

Just a guess.

Kate-text lang sa 'ken ng team leader ko:

Pumasok ka ng maaga ha. Wla na kc ung isang TL kya ako ta2o sa am shft. Off c ian ngayn. Kawa2 nman ako, 12 hrs ako wrk. Tnx. ü

SHIT!

Ordinarily I would have replied: Bkt anu nngyare?? Haha wawa ka naman... iyak ka na???

Pero sa lagay na ito, makakapag-reply pa ba ako?

Hindi ako dapat papasok ngayon... I have an appointment at two, eh 3pm ang pasok ko.

SHIT!

Tapos absent pa ako nung Sunday.

SHIT!

EVERYTIME - Britney Spears


Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby




MY IMMORTAL - Evanescence


I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]


**Mga kanta yang napakinggan ko sa restong pinagdalhan sa akin ni Joan nung pinalayas ako ng tatay ko...
**Same songs I heard nung pinalayas ako ng pag-ibig ko sa buhay nya...

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil hindi ko malaman kung ano ba talaga ang gusto ko. Pag career na, ang hirap mag-decide!! Mas mahirap pa ito sa lovelife!! (hekhek... feeling! )

Kinabukasan mo na kasi yung nakataya...

Hindi ako pumasok kanina kahit pa tinext ako ni Tanchy dear. Nasa Metrobank ako, nagpapa-interview.

Sa totoo lang, wala namang napakalaking dahilan kung bakit ako *dapat* umalis ng SCB noh. Walang problema sa compensation or sa hours, happy ako sa mga tao, I'm lucky enough to have a job na related sa field na tinapos ko.

Ang napakalaki kong problema eh hindi ko ma-appreciate yung job. Nahihiya kasi ako. Feeling ko I have to beg everybody para lang makapag-turn in. Yung ibang tao pa eh hindi man lang marunong magpakatao, kung ituring ka eh akala mo wala kang pinag-aralan. Eh alam mo namang kahit ako ay matiisin, mataas din ang pride ko (malabo, pero... basta yun na yun... )

Pero kaninang nasa Metro ako... nami-miss ko sila. Nami-miss ko yung ginagawa ko. Parang I cannot be anywhere else. Para ngang bigla akong nagsisi; bigla kong tinanong yung sarili ko kung bakit ako nasa Metro...

Hay naku!

Papasok ako bukas.

This time fits me. I plan to wear it well.
CAROLINE CASTLE HICKS
A Second Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul

**Found this in one of my folders nung kinakalikot ko yung PC. Written last February. Ewan ko kung tama bang i-post ko 'to... violent reaction 'to for sure... hahaha!**



Lagi mong sinasabi sa aking ayaw mong magka-girlfriend. Madali ka kasing magsawa sa gamit eh... baka pati sa relationships, ganun din ang maging ugali mo. Ayaw mong makasakit, kaya as much as possible, wag na lang. Tutal, "love is just a state of mind." So you say.

Ako naman, iiling-iling lang. While you call yourself realistic, mushy naman ang tawag mo sa akin. Huu... kunwari ka pa! Pag nga nag-eemote ka, gusto kitang tudyuin. Kaya lang baka masaktan ko naman ang damdamin mo, mahirap na. Saka bihirang-bihira ka na nga lang mag-drama, sisirain ko pa ba yun? I'm enjoying the show too much to ruin it.

Tingin ko, takot ka lang magmahal. Takot ka lang mag-take ng risk. Takot ka lang masaktan.

Aminado ka namang self-centered ka. Halos ipangalandakan mo nga eh. Pero alam mo, habang nakikilala kita, nakikita kong you're not so monstrous as you make yourself sound. Ang swerte nga ng babaeng magpapatibok dyan sa pihikan mong puso eh. Feeling ko kasi, pag nagka-girlfriend ka, magiging super-serious ka sa kanya (well feeling ko lang naman yun... but I truly hope you won't disappoint me ). She may have to work on it, though. Napaka-demanding mo kasi! Pero considerate ka rin naman kahit konti, kaya pwede nang pagtyagaan

Siguro nasasabi mo lang yan kasi hindi pa ito ang panahong itinakda para magmahal ka ng lubos. OK lang yun, bata ka pa naman eh. Marami ka pang oras para sa maraming bagay at sa maraming tao. Pero sana, kapag naramdaman mo nang umiibig ka, wag kang matakot, wag mong sayangin. Minsan lang dumating yan... wag mo sanang pakawalan.

X : Hi, pwede pong makisuyo kay Mr. O? Si X po ito from Standard Chartered.

A : Regarding what matter, hija?

X : Gusto ko lang po sanang malaman kung meron na syang Standard Chartered card?

A : Ay, hija, wala na sya...

X : Ganun po ba. Anong oras po kaya sya babalik?

A : Hija... three years na syang patay...

X :

* * * * *

Ohdiba. Gudlak...!!

Actually hindi makeover eh. Gusto kong gumawa ng bagong account. As in blank na tabs. I have a username in mind na, pati layout.

Kaya lang magmumukha lang akong gumitna agad; walang simula. Parang hindi pa ito ang time para sa isang pagbabago. Hindi pa kasi ako handang mag-move on...

Nagbasa ako ng bulletin board ko sa Friendster. Puro tungkol sa letting go yung posts! PUNYETA NAMAN...!!

Merong nagsabi sa 'kin na "Sana nilakasan mo para carir!" (nung pinaringgan ko *sya* kase di ba naman ako pinapansin!!). Para raw "malaman nya na halerr... dapat friends pa rin kayo!!" saka "baka kasi iniisip nya you're into him pa ren..."

TANGINA. Eh kahit naman anong gawin ko... totoo naman that I am still holding on (Listen to Dido's "White Flag"). Saka ika ko nga, how am I supposed to let go when I don't even want to do it?

Minsan I wanna hate him. Pero... duh. I just can't feel anger towards him. Puro directed sa sarili ko.

I read in an email before, "Real love does not become hate."

Ngekers....

Give me six months nga... tingnan natin kung ano ang mapi-feel ko when that time comes. What's six months from now ba... March? OK, so March 24, 2005. I'll write again. If I forget... then don't remind me. That's a good sign.

STRONG ENOUGH - Sheryl Crow


God I feel like hell tonight
The tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man...

Well, nothing's true, and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man...

Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man...
Are you strong enough to be my man...
Are you strong enough to be my man...
Are you strong enough to be my man...

When I've shown you
That I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man...

Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave...



**karirinig ko lang sa Myx... wala lang...

Nodes of the Moon (Your Karmic Doorways)
North Node of the Moon in Gemini

Your free-spiritedness in a prior life has led to a certain lack of focus in your current life. In a prior life, you allowed yourself to follow your heart wherever it led you. You loved all kinds of people, delighting in experiencing the feeling of intimacy with people quite unlike yourself.

You still possess that love of throwing yourself into a new relationship with someone completely different from you. For you, falling in love is a life lesson. You learn from your partner and from the experience of the relationship itself, which is wonderful. You are likely to be attracted to people not only quite unlike yourself, but also unlike one another.

You do tend to lack focus, however. You may have been in a string of delightful, fun but short-lived relationships because you have something of a "roving eye" -- you let yourself be drawn to others even while you are supposed to be focusing on the person in front of you.


* * * * *


How You Relate to Other People


Venus Square Mars with an orb of less than 1/2 degree
Yours was not a happy childhood and, while there is nothing you want more than a close love relationship, you may also fear it. You probably have an active sex life but may have some discomfort acknowledging feelings of love, dependence or vulnerability.

Sun Trine Uranus with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree
You have a unique view of life and have been fortunate in finding friends and partners with whom you can share it. Your relationships will be most successful when you also have in your life an interest, goal or project which absorbs both of you equally.

Sun Square Saturn with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees
Your self-esteem is based less upon what you are in your own or others' eyes than on what you do. You may become so compulsive about achievement that you cannot relax into a warm, enduring relationship until you have achieved some success in your career.

Mercury Trine Jupiter with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees
You have a quality people trust and you are often sought after as a confidante or an advisor. You have high moral and ethical standards and it is imperative that anyone you're close to is a person of the highest integrity. You prefer well-educated people.

Mercury Square Uranus with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees
Brilliant and original as you are, you can also be difficult and unpredictable. Close ties may complain they never know when you are going to show up or what you're planning next. You are easily bored and love people who can both stimulate and surprise you.

Mercury Sextile Saturn with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees
You are extremely well-organized and anyone who isn't equally so would annoy you. You are also very practical and fond of routine. A madcap type you couldn't depend on would ultimately make you miserable - no matter how intense the initial emotional attraction.

...kasi this happened the other day pa. The most tiring day of my life... haaay.

* * * * *

May meeting sa Prestige Tower at nakapangako ako kay Sir Arnie na papasok kaya ayun. Although late ako (duh, what's new??) pero mas late sila... hahahaha!! Buti na lang nauna ako ng five minutes!! The meeting was 8:30 and hello, I arrived an hour later!! (Haha, gaga talaga 'ko... )

So yun, meeting. Then we packed up for Shang and ATC naman yung iba. Nag-whole day ako kasi *nahihiya naman ako kay Froi*... DUH! Hehe

Grabe, quarter to 3 na ako nakapag-lunch. Hindi ko nga alam kung gutom pa ba talaga ako kasi sobrang nalipasan na ako noh (at ano lang ba yung breakfast ko?? Alas-onse pa lang eh tunaw na yun eh... hehe...) pero exag, when I took that first bite eh sunod-sunod na... nakapag-extra rice pa ang lola mo... nagulat nga ako eh...

Talaga lang na hindi ako gutom ha... hahahaha...!!

* * * * *

At the end of the first shift eh biglang tumawag sa akin si Sir Arnie! Kinabahan nga 'ko eh. Well, pinapabalik ba naman ako sa Prestige. Kinutuban na ako na this is about the converter thing... pero I shut up... pero lam naman ni Froi at ng iba pang mga tao na yun nga yun.

At yun nga yun. Naging converter na ako! Syet!! Hindi naman kasi ako *totally* interesadong maging converter! Everybody's wondering at that issue lang and they didn't wanna ask the "authorities" (shy daw sila) and they asked me to do it! Ako naman, sige, para matapos na, I asked. Ayan, akala tuloy ni Sir, AKO yung may gusto!!

Eh bigla pa naman akong nag-enjoy noon sa booth. Syet talaga!! Pero hindi na ako makaapela, kasi mukhang nawiwindang na sya sa kasalukuyang kalagayan ng aming operasyon. Anyway, we badly need a converter right now. Basta matapos lang itong isang tambak, sana makabalik na ako sa booth.

Although mas matipid pag converter kasi nakakapagbaon ako. Sa Shang ang hirap eh... I never thought I'd see the day that I'd count every coin in my purse at may mga araw na less than five pesos ang natitira sa wallet ko at the end of the day... at pure barya pa yun ha... (tangina ang mahal ng pamasahe...)

* * * * *

Well wala pa akong isang oras nagko-convert eh bigla ba namang dumating yung mga *opisyal* ng SCB... they talked to Sir Arnie and they wanted to visit the booth sa Shang. Syet!! Well the moment na umalis sila pinapunta kaming dalawa ni Ate Gladz sa Shang to help out.

Which was just what's needed. Pagdating namin dun eh si Donz at Froi na lang ang tao... nawawala si Maybe. Nag-walkout daw sabe nila. Inaway kasi ni Froi eh... hehehe... Well di na ako mag-eelaborate sa isyung yan... anyway medyo OK na naman sila kanina.

Nawindang na naman ako dahil baka biglang mag-appear ang mga bank officials na ito at ako ang mapagtripang tanungin. Kaya naman nung nakita ko na silang paakyat ng escalator (shit, shit!! - at ako pa yung naka-istasyon doon sa banda roon ha!!) eh kahit sino na lang kinakausap ko. At nagbisi-bisihan ang lola mo!!! Natatawa nga sa akin si Ate Gladz.

Umalis din sila after... forever? Hehehe!! Bumalik na kami ni Ate Gladz sa Prestige.

I needed to go back to Shang, though, kasi nagpapasabay sa akin si Donz pag-uwe.

So all in all, anim na beses akong nagpabalik-balik ng Prestige at Shang.

Apat doon sa anim na yun ang nilakad ko lang.

ALAM MO BA KUNG GANO KALAYO ANG SHANG SA PRESTIGE???? LAKARIN MO BA NAMAN MULA SHAW HANGGANG EMERALD AVENUE!!! IN TWO-INCH HEELS, NONETHELESS!!! PUTRAGIS!!!

Wala lang... alangan namang sumakay pa ako noh... eh alanganin naman. Maglalakad din ako ng malayo. Walang kwenta. Sayang ang sampung piso (FX at taxi lang kasi ang choices dito...)

* * * * *

So two hours later pa ako nakauwi. Although I could've ridden an FX going to Quiapo (na usual kong ginagawa), I went with Donz sa MRT and I found myself at the Pasay Taft station... ohdiba mukhang nalibot ko na lahat ng siyudad at munisipalidad sa Kalakhang Maynila!! Napalayo talaga ako pero OK lang... adventure ito.

Talk about adventure. Syet. Ang bilis magpatakbo ng driver... eh merong nag-U-turn na kotse... MUNTIK NA KAMING MABANGGA!!!! Sigawan naman yung mga tao. Napasigaw din ako. Sabe ko, "SHIIIIITTTT.....!!" tapos when the jeep finally came into a stop: "...PUTA."

*YUCK. WAH-POISE.*



* * * * *

Matapos ang makabagbag-damdaming kaganapan eh nag-U-turn naman yung jeep namin... hindi kasi makapaghintay yung driver eh. Sa kalyeng nilikuan namin eh hindi rin kami nagtagumpay na makalabas... pinabuwelta kami (at ang iba pang sasakyan)... ewan ko kung bakit... basta may nakasabay pa nga kaming fire truck noh...

Ohdiba napakahabang proseso na naman nyan...

Tapos lumiko na naman sya at kung kanina eh mga munisipalidad at siyudad ang aking binabaybay, ngayon naman eh ginagalugad namin lahat ng side streets sa Makati at Ermita. Puchangina.

To make the long story short, nakabalik na kami ulit sa Taft at eventually, nakarating ako ng Quiapo.

PhP10.50 lang yan. Whattaride...

Almost eleven na ako nakarating ng house. And I haven't had dinner yet. Goodluck...

* * * * *

Pero masaya din naman eh. Alam mo ba nung morning... eh kasi nag-uusap kami ni Janah, medyo magkalayo lang kami. I forgot what it was about, basta naka-smile ako ng abot-tenga. After I spoke to her, naka-smile pa rin ako. Eh nung pagtingin ko... syet! Ang cute nung guy! Medyo nahiya tuloy ako kasi naka-smile ako nung nagtama yung paningin namin. Yikes!

Actually napatingin lang rin sya sa akin noon eh... siguro he was glancing at the shops sa kabilang side. Pero he looked again... focused na sa akin this time. Tapos... ngumiti!!

SHIT ANG CUTE TALAGA NYA!!!

Wala lang... ang cute nya eh...

* * * * *

Marami pa akong kwento pero bukas (mamaya) na lang. Tinatamad na akong mag-type eh... hehehehe....

**Ahaha... oh well! I like the part about being a lawyer, though... cos that's what I wanna be talaga...**




You have an angry soul! Angry Souls arent always angry, but they cannot easily forgive and hold grudges. You probably often get in fights with your friends and family, and its difficult for you to understand. When someone makes a mistake, you don't let go easily and hold on to those memories. You're very stubborn and your rage is known to everyone. Though you never actually mean it, you can say mean things in a fight and go overboard. Many people are sometimes intimidated by your anger. But you have many redeeming qualities and those are that you are quite intelligent and smart. You would make a good businesswoman or lawyer because you know how to prove your point. You cherish the ones around you, and appreciate life, even though you can complain or throw a tantrum now and then. The good thing is, you keep your emotions very outspoken, and are normally a very happy person because all your rage is let on the outside. Anger is simply a state, but you, yourself as a person, are great.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
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TAENA!! One AM na, gising pa rin ako. Late na naman ako panigurado bukas... hahahaha... oh well. I signed up for a new tabs pero hanggang ngayon iniisip ko pa kung ano ilalagay ko. Naiinis ako sa layout eh... ayaw lumabas nung BG image... bwisit...

Eto yun.

Wish ko lang lumalabas nga yung BG image...