It's weird that this should be my first entry for August... I turned 20 on the first day of the month. Oh well...!

Ika ko nga sa Friendster... "I'll always be a teen princess..."

Feeling!

*****

Last Friday (I think), nagda-drama na naman ako. Nalilito kuno. Yung feeling na ayaw mong mawala yung tao, pero hindi mo alam kung bakit. Dahil ba mahal mo pa rin sya, o nasanay ka lang na andyan sya? Is it love or merely an attachment? Am I still in love or is this all in my mind?

Tapos nung halos maiiyak ka na bigla kang mapapatingin kung saan at ayun, makakasalubong mo pala.

Syempre kaway ka naman. Parang walang nangyaring komosyon.

Tapos feeling mo buo na naman ang loob mo. Kahit pangit ang gupit, in a strange way naku-cute-an ka pa rin (?!). Tapos yung ngiti mo, abot-tenga na naman.

*****

Two days later magugulat ka kasi may nag-text (ibang guy).

Eh bakit gumuguho na naman yang mundo mo? Like it always does everytime he sends you a message? Anong meron?

Buti na lang hindi mo sya nakausap sa phone. Kundi... gudlak...

Tuwing TThS, 930am, nasa Doroteo Jose station ako ng LRT. From there kita ko ang Main Building ng USTe. From there meron akong sinisigaw(an).

Sana marinig mo 'ko.

You said that whatever I do, even the smallest of things, make your day happy and light.

Sometimes I feel like I am a ton of bricks crashing towards you instead...

It's harder to let go when you know it's your damn fault why all this happened. It's harder to let go when you've been trying to save something but you only caused further damage. It's harder to let go when after all the fuss, you just realized that this person is all that matters to you.

They say that in every ending, there's a new beginning. Maybe I am being bitter when I ask where the hell am I supposed to begin? Cos I really don't know where to go and what to do. Nothing makes sense anymore. It's like, there's no use fighting for tomorrow. My life is over.

And it's really pathetic cos I'm listening to "break-up" songs (Read: I Think God Can Explain - Splender; Rest in Pieces - Saliva; Come Around - Rhett Miller; and a lot more of that).

Hahaha. There's no break-up, fool. There are no two halves. You were never whole, anyway.

I'll take in everything, though it tears me up. I won't question nor defend. Whatever I gave was given freely, anyway. If he knew (and he does!), well he must be informed too that he's not obliged to do anything. He need not feel this if he doesn't want to.

I hope he doesn't think that I betrayed him.

And I just wish this horrible, dull ache would go away...

It was said in The Passion of Christ, "You'll know the truth when you hear it."

I thought I recognized it.

But... my truth isn't his truth.

What's "truth", then?

Is there any?

I'm online the whole day, browsing through corporate sites and submitting my resumé. Well. My eyes were glued to the screen even as I ate. I just took a break to bathe.

I also caught TONI at YM! Yey! T'was really nice. He's at work - he now works at a "retirement home" and he's on the graveyard shift. It was 5am there (he's in Everett) while we talked! Later we were in a conference with Jonie and PV... reminds me of the old days... he hasn't changed. Still the childlike, wacky Toni. I couldn't get over the fact that we just talked! Finally! Well, yes, we have the letters, but it's different when you talk in real time!

Wait... he's back...

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

* * * * *

Check this out too: http://www.norahjones.com

**Morayta Republic is submerged in flood water, and I am still married to my PC.**

Well I've been under some kind of enlightenment; I know now why my life suddenly crumbled. I've been thinking about it for sometime... it's not that hard to figure out, actually. It's so obvious, the flash is almost blinding.

You see, I couldn't do what I was supposed to do. I was so hard-headed and ignored all the signs. Even if I acknowledged them, it was with the least of attention. Why? Cos I believed I still had something to hold on to. I was so focused on it I didn't even bother to look ahead.

So there. It happened. The illusion snapped; the thing I was staring at for the longest time isn't even real. It's like a dead star - it already ceased existing but in your mind, it's still there. The reality of it hasn't sunk in yet cos it's lightyears away.

But now I understand. Whatever I held on to was taken away, not for me to continue living in the past but to force me to look beyond, at what I could be.

When I think of it this way, there's no need to be bitter about it anymore. I admit, though, that what-ifs and could-have-beens still haunt me. But will it work? Will it help me? No. So this will be the last time I'll ever talk about this. The book is closed. I will write another; a better one.

Yesterday I was invited by Standard Chartered Bank to join its team for a pilot project. Training starts on Monday. I am considering if I am to pursue it... I will ask a couple of friends whose work is more or less the same, just to find out the stuff they do. But even if I haven't chatted with them yet and I've tons of pending applications in other companies, I find myself drawn to this. Maybe cos I'm challenged? After grad the two things that I really did not want to involve myself with are banking and sales. But now I'm under the sales department of a bank! Now how ironic is that? I'm sure, though, that I will learn a lot from this. So wish me luck and may the force be with me... hehehehehe...

"Lamo, if you're not interested, di ka mako-confuse. Di mo rin pag-aaksayahan ng time yan if di sya important lola..."

Ayaw ko nga...

Hopelessly Addicted
Music: The Corrs, Oliver Leiber, John Shanks
Lyrics: Andrea Corr, Oliver Leiber
Transcript: www.corrsonline.com


Opened my eyes today
And I knew there's something different
Saw you in a brand new way
Like the clouds had somehow lifted
And if yesterday I heard
Myself saying these words
I would swear it was a lie

I don't know why..., but suddenly I'm falling
(na na na, na na na na na)
Was I so blind...
I was loving you all the time
Now I'm hopelessly addicted
Helplessly attracted

I'll make a wish this day
And I'll send it to the heavens
That we will always stay
Entwined like this forever
And though the world may change
Coz nothing stays the same
I know we will survive

I don't know why..., but suddenly I'm falling
(na na na, na na na na na)
Was I so blind...
I was loving you all the time
Now I'm hopelessly addicted
Naturally we acted

I don't know why..., but suddenly I'm falling
(na na na, na na na na na)
I was so blind...
I was loving you all the time
And now I'm
Hopelessly addicted
Helplessly attracted
(na na na, na na na na na)
Chemically reacted
I was loving you all the time
Hopelessly addicted
Helplessly attracted
Chemically reacted
Naturally we acted
Yeah, Ohh...

Fade out